Short Free Write 3

If you have read any of my past entries, you might be able to guess who this is.
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I wish I could tell her everything. I want nothing more in this world and the next than to sit her down and tell her all about me, to reveal these secrets and show her the truth. I know that becoming attached to her was foolish. It has compromised my work and worst of all, it has brought her into things I had no right to involve her in. How do I explain to her that she is in danger because of me? That it was not her brother that brought me to them that day, but that it was her I was seeking out? How can I possibly expect her to understand? She would never forgive me for pulling her into a world that she was happier, safer, without.

There are times when I wonder if I made the right choice. I’m not sure which decision this applies to for there are many times over the many years of my existence that I now look back and nearly regret. Had I changed one thing, she would be safe, living a happy life without the chaos of my world pulling her in. I can see it in her eyes. She is curious, captivated. Perhaps if I hadn’t taken this job, or if I hadn’t returned last year, she wouldn’t have been given a glimpse of this fantasy, or what she perceives as fantastic. She is naïve and doesn’t know what she is seeing. It is not the dream she envisions and keeps prying towards. I feel like I can not deny her the truth, I wish that I could speak to her honestly. My God knows how much I want this. But is it fair to her? To let her taste this world she longs for knowing that it will not be the heaven she expected, and that I have to deny her it?