Short Free Write 2

When is it going to end? The pain and worry and heartache. Why do I find myself wishing I really were as numb as they say? Maybe then all of this wouldn’t hurt, that their accidents wouldn’t mean so damn much. I know what they say about me when they’re not afraid I’m listening. They think I’m cold, that I truly lack any real emotion other than anger and resentment. They take this stony exterior and believe it is my only face. But that is what I wanted, right? I wanted that distance, that fear. Its done a pretty good job at keeping them away so far. Its what I wanted. Its what I still want! I don’t need them, any of them. I only need my real friends, my family. The ones I love above all else and the ones who always seem to be the ones who regardless of how strong they are break and fall apart, lying in some bed one way or another and it breaks my heart. I can not just sit here and watch them suffer like this. I feel pain. I cry and scream and love and hate. Why can’t they see that? God, why do I even care what they see? My energy should not be wasted on my foolish peers, it should be spent helping my friends, helping to hold them up and to fight through whatever damned obstacle is working to keep them down. I shouldn’t be sitting here pitying myself and worrying about my own silly problems. I have to be there for them, for the ones that matter. I need to ignore the ones who don’t, because they aren’t worth my time. They want anger? I’ll show them anger. I’m angry that it is these strong people who are continuously forced to their knees while people like Iz McCarthy keep living in so-called perfection. They would be smart to realize how much I am capable of feeling, because trust me, they don’t want to see me angry.