Freewrite

She felt like there was a current in her body, electricity rushing through her veins and making it impossible to keep still. She wished she could be still, that she could just stop moving and enjoy the movie playing for the hundredth time on her computer screen, or relax with a good book, anything other than practically pacing her small room and consciously deciding not to cry or throw something.

She couldn’t understand why this was happening to her, or more importantly, why it was happening to her again. Nothing about it seemed fair or to make sense to her. No matter how many excuses she came up with, she still couldn’t make herself calm down.

What had she done to deserve this? Did guys find it funny to toy with her like this? To draw her in, to make her believe they were so wonderful, only to walk all over her, or worse, desert her the moment she was hooked on them? It certainly felt that way and she knew it was starting to break her. She was already in pieces that didn’t seem to quite fit together anymore, and each time she broke again, they became an even more impossible jigsaw puzzle that she was afraid no one would ever solve.

The sad thing was how silly she felt, how foolish and ridiculous her tears and anger made her feel. A part of her, the part that they had successfully gotten to and manipulated, told her that she was over reacting, that there was no legitimate reason to be this upset. Ha! the rest of her mind screamed. Ha! She had every right to be upset, to be angry and hurt, and she knew it. Sure, it was a small thing, not worth stressing anyone else out over or playing depressing music for, but it was enough. He had succeeded at making her feel so small and insignificant that a part of her genuinely believed it.

She hated him, but she hated herself more, for letting his unintentional, but still completely heartbreaking actions, or lack there of, to bring her down. She’d been here before, in this place, with these emotions and the same feeling of unimportance beating down on her like a metal bat. Somehow she’d found the strength to get away and to move on, so why was it so hard to do that now? Especially when she knew better?

She knew why. It was simple, really. It was because this time he really was different. He had made her feel good about herself, like she was worth something. He had respected her, cared for her, made her laugh, and been honest with her. He’d also hurt her before, but she’d forgiven him, and he’d made her smile again. So why was he doing this now? Now that they were finally together, it seemed like he thought his job was over. She’d heard about husbands behaving this way, stopping all the courting and romantic crap the moment he said “I Do,” but he’d never heard of a boyfriend doing this.

It made no sense to her, and as much as she tried, she couldn’t sort it out or make sense of it in any way. So, she did what any girl would do. She cried. Finally she broke down, literally crumbling to the floor, and cried.

As she cried, it began to consume her, making it impossible to breath. The pain in her chest was overwhelming and she could feel herself beginning to break again. For a long time she just laid there, hands putting pressure on her chest, trying to hold herself in one piece.

Then finally, it stopped.

A bittersweet calm that she knew wouldn’t last began to sweep over her, and the pain began to fade. At least the physical pain did. Inside she was still screaming, begging the universe for answers that she knew it would never give her. She took a deep breath and cleaned her face, deciding that, at least for now, she wouldn’t let him win. Not again. She closed her eyes, and forced herself to smile. Slowly her body began to relax, and she could feel the strength return to her muscles, her bones steadying her on her once wobbly knees.

After that she sat down, and did the one thing that could sooth her. She wrote. She let it out, every thought and frustration and pain in her body, and poured it onto the innocent paper. As she stared at the smeared ink, she felt a real smile pull at her lips. The pain was still there, lightly pounding at the door and battling to take hold again. She knew that eventually the door would break, but at least now she knew she would be able to put up a fight.