Love, Claire

There is one reason and one reason alone that I even have this journal -- to complain. I hate complaining. It is a dreary, depressing thing to do and I truly don’t like it. But sometimes, I just need to vent, to shout, to let it all out! I could never complain to my friends, oh no… They have so much in their own lives right now! Poor Carter, Chase, Danny, and Nic. How foolish would I be if I tried to complain about my silly problems when they are dealing with so much more? Still, sometimes, I want to just have a moment to myself, a moment where my problems are important, where my pain is cared about and tended to. Is that selfish? I know it isn’t, but I can’t help but feel guilty whenever I write in these pages, or worse, when I think these words while around my friends, while listening to their stories. Oh, it seems so unfair at times. Still… they are my friends, and they are struggling, and so it is my job to keep their spirits up! To help them see that things will get better for them… even if on the inside, I’m feeling as sad as they are.

I know my problems are minute and too ridiculous to even bring up, but maybe writing about them will help me to just get over it and get back to the more important things. I hope.

Right now, my troubles are simple -- relationship issues. Well, more like my lack of relationship issues, which is an issue in and of itself! You see, I like this boy… I know, I know, that is how these things always start! But I do, I really like him, more than I care to admit. We are good friends, have been for a while now. He is great, truly! My friends like him, we get along splendidly… but there is a glitch. Obviously, or I wouldn’t have a problem now would I? The thing is… he is blind to my affection, and even worse, does not return them. His eyes are glued on another, a girl whom personally I don’t understand what anyone could see in… then again, she is beautiful. Scary at times, but beautiful none the less. She is confident, something I sadly am not. It is still strange to think that he of all people is into her of all people, but that is how it is, and who am I to question it?

Jealous is an ugly color and sadly it is the color that lingers beneath my skin. I am jealous of her, her and her beautiful hair and eyes and her damn confidence. I am not only jealous of her, though. I am jealous of his friends, the ones who still get to see so much of him. I feel like I have hardly spoken to him in the past few weeks, seeing him and occasionally stealing a smile, but hardly anything more.

Why does he torture me this way? Can’t he realize how head over heels I am for him? I wish he would make up his mind, to choose me, or to move on and leave me behind. I can’t take the on and off of our relationship, the weeks without word then the short conversations, followed once more by silence. I once told myself he didn’t mean to do it, but now, I wonder if that is true… I hate to think ill of him, but how can I not?

Oh, this is so dumb of me! Carter is falling apart, Danny is a wreck, Chase is so torn because of it all… And Nic… how can any of us complain about our silly love lives, while he lays there in a hospital bed, fighting for his life? My pretty dancer… Perhaps tomorrow I will go visit him, bring him new flowers. I think he would like that.

Well, I have said far too much. So now it is time to take a deep breath, put on a pleasant smile, and try to spread some cheer! It is a rather old fashioned way to bring a smile to a friend, but there are cookies in the oven that are just about done now, and I have just enough to share with Danny and Alex, whom I’m sure could use them right now, poor boys. I truly hope things work for them. It is nice to see Danny smiling again, and I know I have Alex to thank for that. Cookies won’t help Carter, though perhaps ice cream will. As for Chase, well, perhaps I’ll just stop by and take over his TV as usual and give him a hug. That always seems to help him smile.

Love, Claire.