how can i hold on when
there's nothing to hold on to
it's like trying to write a song
when words and melodies desert you
you can only get by with
barely breathing for so long
before your heart begins to notice
that something had gone wrong
you can fight it all you want
and just try and stay alive
but it's an ill-fated battle if
there's no hope left inside

"Are Angels Real?"

Feedback on the general writing would be greatly appreciated, as well as on Pastor Thomas! I really need to know what people think of him and the vibe they are getting. Thanks <3

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The small chapel was quiet today, though that wasn’t unusual for a Tuesday afternoon.

“Well hey there, Sammy.”

She jumped a little at the voice, turning around in her seat to look to the back of the chapel, a smile of relief falling onto her face at the friendly face smiling back.

“Hi Pastor Thomas,” she replied, watching as he gracefully moved down the aisle toward her. The way he moved reminded her of Oliver and how effortlessly every movement seemed to be for him. Her smile wavered for a moment at the thought of him but as the smiling pastor came toward her she forced the smile back into place.

“No class today?” he asked, coming to sit down beside her, casually draping an arm over the back of the pew and bringing up his leg, resting his foot and ankle on his other knee. Pastor Thomas had been pastor at the New Hope Community Church for nine years now. Sammy could vaguely remember how things were before Pastor Thomas, and how boring church had been to her as a young girl at that time. When Pastor Thomas took over the congregation the whole mood of the church seemed to lift like one giant sigh of relief. He was funny and honest, sharing his own stories and giving her a sense that he really was one of them, just another human being trying to live within God. Sammy had never been extremely religious or involved with the church, helping with fundraisers and spaghetti dinners and occasionally singing in the choir when Mrs. Jennings was sick, but church always had been important to her. God was important to her. She didn’t question Him, not really, putting her full trust in him. Now, though, as she sat in the pew with Pastor Thomas, she couldn’t help but feel frustrated. She had hoped that this place of all places would help her find answers, but instead it just left her with many more questions.

“I had a test in my philosophy class, so I got out early,” Sammy explained and he nodded, both of them smiling, perhaps a little too much.

“So what brings you here? It’s lovely out, especially for this time of year! I’m surprised you aren’t out enjoying it.” Pastor Thomas was still smiling brightly. He didn’t seem to mind that Sammy was there, after all, the church was always open to those who needed it. Sammy knew he was right, though. Not necessarily about the weather, but the implied notion that her being there was certainly odd.

“I’m not much of a cold weather person,” she replied easily. It was the truth though she still couldn’t help but feel like she was lying to him. Pastor Thomas said nothing, watching her calmly. Sammy could understand his silence, though. He knew she was there for a reason. She sighed.

“Pastor Thomas, I was wondering… I know this might sound silly, but, do you believe in angels?”

The simplicity of her question seemed to catch him by surprise, but he smiled kindly, looking to his leather hands and then up to the stained glass windows above them where four angels stood together, staring back.

“Yes, I suppose I do, Sammy,” he said. “I believe that they are all around us, helping to do His work on a more, personal level.” She couldn’t help but notice the grin that played upon his lips. “Why do you ask? Do you believe in angels?” He laughed a little, smiling down on her like a small child.

“I think so,” she began with a little hesitation, frowning for a moment and looking up at him. “I mean, I do, I just… I don’t know if I believe in the beautiful creatures with giant wings that wear draped linens and carry harps and have halos, like all the pictures and movies show them. I think… I think they are more like us, like normal people.” Sammy paused, staring now at the same stained glass window Pastor Thomas had been gazing at. “And yeah… I think they work on a personal level, too.”

Her expression was very blank, concentrating on the vague, simple faces of the four men standing in the window. Pastor Thomas looked at her with soft eyes, putting a hand on her shoulder.

“I think that sounds like a reasonable belief,” he began. “It has often been said that angels walk among us, guiding up and pointing us in the right direction. Who is to say that isn’t to be take literally?”

For a moment she worried he was just saying this to appease her, but when she turned to him, seeing the smile and joy on his face, she knew that he believed it, too. She also got the feeling that she wasn’t the one to bring such an idea to him originally. He had already been a believer of these ideas before this conversation. This gave her relief, but also instilled more questions.

“Have you ever seen a angel?”

Sammy was not the only one who seemed surprised by her bold question. Pastor Thomas’ eyes seemed to drift away, still aimed at her though not actually seeing her. For a moment his smile faltered, but he recovered quickly, shaking his head with a small laugh.

“I think that I probably see angels every day, but, who can say for sure?” His smiled was kind again and it put Sammy at ease, even if it wasn’t the answer she was looking for. He glanced at his watch and moved in his seat, and she could tell he wanted to leave.

“I should probably get back to my office. If you need anything, or just want to talk some more, you are always welcome to come back.”

He rose gracefully, nodding to her before walking away casually, hands in his pockets and once again whistling a beautiful melody Sammy couldn’t name. She sighed, wondering if she had scared him away. Did even her own pastor think she was crazy? As much as she was a believer, and even though the bible specifically speaks of angelic encounters, even she had to admit that it did sound a little crazy to think that angels were walking among her. Again a sigh fell from her lips and she sink into the pew, unable to cast her eyes away from the four angels watching her in silence.

Oliver & Dalex

Working endlessly on Dalex for class. I have a lot of muse for that tonight. I am also rereading all my notes and old outlines for Oliver, and I'm starting to get some ideas again!
Most of you know how Oliver turns out [what he is]. If you don't, sorry to spoil the surprise -- He is an angel.
SO! I'd love to pick people's brains ;D lol. This story deals with Oliver, the Archangels [Michael, Gabriel, Raphael, and Uriel], and a vague hierarchy of the angels. If you have any favorite stories or ideas or whatever about Angels, like characteristics that appeal to you or whatever, please let me know! I'm still doing a lot of studying on them, but obviously it is mostly speculative, so opinions and suggestions are loved <3
Likewise, I need concepts about demons. Anything you can think of that you have seen, read, heard of, etc. that interests you, especially when it comes to what they do and how they interact with angels, how you become a demon, etc.
Keep in mind -- God, Jesus, and Lucifer/Satan are NOT a part of this story. They are maybe talked about [obviously] but we never 'meet' them or have anything to do directly with them.
Also, if you just have general comments/ideas/suggestions/criticisms of what I have up already and the story in general, feel free to share those here, too!

So any comments or ideas would be amazingly adored! Thanks guys. I hope to have more to share with you soon!

<3

Love, Claire

There is one reason and one reason alone that I even have this journal -- to complain. I hate complaining. It is a dreary, depressing thing to do and I truly don’t like it. But sometimes, I just need to vent, to shout, to let it all out! I could never complain to my friends, oh no… They have so much in their own lives right now! Poor Carter, Chase, Danny, and Nic. How foolish would I be if I tried to complain about my silly problems when they are dealing with so much more? Still, sometimes, I want to just have a moment to myself, a moment where my problems are important, where my pain is cared about and tended to. Is that selfish? I know it isn’t, but I can’t help but feel guilty whenever I write in these pages, or worse, when I think these words while around my friends, while listening to their stories. Oh, it seems so unfair at times. Still… they are my friends, and they are struggling, and so it is my job to keep their spirits up! To help them see that things will get better for them… even if on the inside, I’m feeling as sad as they are.

I know my problems are minute and too ridiculous to even bring up, but maybe writing about them will help me to just get over it and get back to the more important things. I hope.

Right now, my troubles are simple -- relationship issues. Well, more like my lack of relationship issues, which is an issue in and of itself! You see, I like this boy… I know, I know, that is how these things always start! But I do, I really like him, more than I care to admit. We are good friends, have been for a while now. He is great, truly! My friends like him, we get along splendidly… but there is a glitch. Obviously, or I wouldn’t have a problem now would I? The thing is… he is blind to my affection, and even worse, does not return them. His eyes are glued on another, a girl whom personally I don’t understand what anyone could see in… then again, she is beautiful. Scary at times, but beautiful none the less. She is confident, something I sadly am not. It is still strange to think that he of all people is into her of all people, but that is how it is, and who am I to question it?

Jealous is an ugly color and sadly it is the color that lingers beneath my skin. I am jealous of her, her and her beautiful hair and eyes and her damn confidence. I am not only jealous of her, though. I am jealous of his friends, the ones who still get to see so much of him. I feel like I have hardly spoken to him in the past few weeks, seeing him and occasionally stealing a smile, but hardly anything more.

Why does he torture me this way? Can’t he realize how head over heels I am for him? I wish he would make up his mind, to choose me, or to move on and leave me behind. I can’t take the on and off of our relationship, the weeks without word then the short conversations, followed once more by silence. I once told myself he didn’t mean to do it, but now, I wonder if that is true… I hate to think ill of him, but how can I not?

Oh, this is so dumb of me! Carter is falling apart, Danny is a wreck, Chase is so torn because of it all… And Nic… how can any of us complain about our silly love lives, while he lays there in a hospital bed, fighting for his life? My pretty dancer… Perhaps tomorrow I will go visit him, bring him new flowers. I think he would like that.

Well, I have said far too much. So now it is time to take a deep breath, put on a pleasant smile, and try to spread some cheer! It is a rather old fashioned way to bring a smile to a friend, but there are cookies in the oven that are just about done now, and I have just enough to share with Danny and Alex, whom I’m sure could use them right now, poor boys. I truly hope things work for them. It is nice to see Danny smiling again, and I know I have Alex to thank for that. Cookies won’t help Carter, though perhaps ice cream will. As for Chase, well, perhaps I’ll just stop by and take over his TV as usual and give him a hug. That always seems to help him smile.

Love, Claire.

CW Conflict Scene

This is for the same story as the "Stalker Assignment". I think it takes place afterward, because I love that you don't have names or details in the first assignment, but you definitely learn a lot more here. Lemme know what you think!
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The blond boy stretched out on the large chair, lazily draping a leg over the arm and using the remote that lay on his chest to flip through the channels on the TV. It was afternoons like this that he made himself enjoy, even if he couldn’t find anything to watch. His roommates were still out at class, giving him the entire dorm to himself. Finally, some peace, he thought to himself.

Or maybe not.

He sighed as the sound of a rather urgent knock on the door echoed through the small room, blue eyes staring back like he was personally offended by the sound. Another knock came, even louder than the first, and finally he gave in. Sighing again he pulled himself up out of the chair, dragging his feet covered only by unmatched socks across the floor.

"Coming, coming," he whined as he crossed the room. He was groggy, hardly in the mood for any real thinking, but the sight that stood before him as he opened the door quickly woke him up.
For a moment they just stared at each other, and once again he felt fear. It was an emotion he'd been experiencing a lot lately, much to his dislike, though he couldn’t remember being more afraid that he was right now.

"Chase," he said breathlessly, trying to grasp that the usually friendly face was now standing before him with a rather furious expression.

"Danny," the large boy growled in return, stepping past the blond and into the room. Quietly, Danny shut the door, cautiously turning to face his friend. Chase was one of those guys you couldn't help but fear at first glance. He was large, but not brutish. One look told you that he probably spent most of his time at the gym and his efforts had well paid off. Danny wasn't exactly tiny himself, but compared to Chase, he sure felt like it. He had that bad-boy vibe, complete with dark eyes, scruffy hair, and a scowl that seemed permanently glued to his face.

“So when were you going to tell me? Huh?” the larger boy barked, causing Danny to jump a little as he came across the room. “Because you couldn’t have actually thought you two could keep this hidden, did you?” Danny said nothing, just staring back at Chase with petrified eyes. He crossed his arms and looked away, but that didn’t seem to do him any good. “Damn it, Danny, answer me!”

Danny looked up, mouth forming a thin line. For as good as he supposedly was with words, they certainly had been failing him lately. “God, Chase, what was I suppose to tell you? That it was Alex? That I was into the guy dating our best friend?”

“Yes, Danny, that is exactly what you should have done! When you talked to me the other day, I was worried about you, I was afraid you were going to get yourself hurt like you did last time, falling for another straight guy. But then you said you thought that he might be in denial, that he seemed into you. And damn it, Danny… I told you to give it a shot!” Chase laughed, though it was obviously forced, a necessary action to keep himself from completely losing his cool.

“I knew you would do this if I told you who it was,” Danny groaned, looking away again and biting his lower lip. “I knew you would jump the gun on me and get pissed off before you even listened to what I had to say!”

“God, you don’t get it, do you? There’s nothing you could possibly say to make this better, Danny! He was Carter’s boyfriend!”

“He was also a closet case!”

Chase was fuming, pacing through the small living area and avoiding Danny’s gaze. There was a long silence. Neither of them wanted this fight but neither was willing to back down, either. Chase finally stopped pacing and looked up at Danny, his hands on his hips as he tried to steady himself.

Just then, the door behind them creaked. A tall brunette, thin in the waist from years of swimming and a carefree expression on his face, crept in. He was the classic ‘tall, dark, and handsome’, though his good looks could be neglected by the tiredness in his eyes. Even though he smiled there was a weariness to him that would make anyone frown and wonder what was wrong. The moment he realized who all was in the room and sensed the obvious tension, the weariness multiplied and he stopped halfway in the door. Danny stared at him with bewilderment. Chase only glared.

“You.”

Chase reached out with a pointed finger and made a beeline for the new arrival, the rage inside him beginning to boil through to the surface.

“Don’t even think about it.”

Danny had suddenly stepped to the side, cutting off Chase and putting himself between the two boys, both of whom stared at him with obvious surprise.